It's not him, it's me.

So today was fairly uneventful... Up until this evening.

I stayed on facebook almost all day and added nearly every cool flair that said Jessica on it. Haha.

Then I went to Jonathan's house for like an hour and a half. And of course that attraction is there, so we flirted the whole time and ended up kissing... And I enjoyed it. No shock there.

So what in this crazy world is holding me back from dating him? I'll tell you what... It's me.

I'm so afraid of him not being everything I want and need in a guy. I'm so afraid of being hurt again or losing his friendship or hurting him.

So I talked to Jake about it cause he wanted to call and tell me how he helped arrest someone today. His exact words were "grow a pair". Jake told me that I will never be certain about Jon until I give him a try and really get in depth into the relationship. Which makes sense, I mean, Jon and I only dated for a month until I freaked out and broke up with him.

I mean he is such a great guy. A perfect gentleman, religious and devoted, cute as a button, artsy and deep, kinda mysterious... He's just really great.

The only cons to him are he's not the type of guy physically who I'm attracted to. He's only a few inches taller than me (I like tall guys, Jake is six foot two), which makes Jon about five seven or five eight. He's kinda got a big nose, and he's not really a good kisser. And Jon is a year and two months younger than me.

I know, I know. All this stuff shouldn't matter, and I may sound a little bit shallow right now. But you can't honestly say that this stuff plays no part at all when you're looking for a boyfriend, now can you?

But, god, am I scared that I'll miss someone while I'm with Jon... If I get with him. Maybe I'm better off keeping him as a friend. Maybe I just need to wait until college till I look for another long term relationship. I am totally lost. I'm so indecisive. I'm the type of girl who usually lets people make the decisions for her. I know that's not a particularly healthy way to live, but it's hard to accept consequences as being your own fault.

I just want the answer to be made clear so I can finally get out of this state. Because for once, my life is basically great, except for the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I won't say that I'm totally worthless without a guy to please, but man, sometimes it feels like it.

I hate being in this limbo. :/