Hooray for tomorrow!

So I have been soo incredibly bored since monday. The show only runs thursdays through sundays so I've been basically counting down the days till I have something to do again. And that countdown ends tomorrow! Woohoo!

The past two days haven't been too interesting... Talked to Jon. As usual. I actually got to see him again today! For some random reason I was like, "Hey... Can I go to church with you?" Now. I'm not really a church going lady. I only just started reconnecting with Christ a few weeks ago. But I really wanted to see Jon and the sermon was nice to listen to. But going to church always makes me think. It makes me wanna be a better person, which I guess it's supposed to do.

I wonder how I'm doing with this whole religion thing. Like I'm praying and stuff... I have been for a while now. But I'm not sure I'll know if God has answered my prayer. Jon says it'll come in a small quiet voice, and I'll know. I just have to pay attention. But I'm just kinda nervous I'll miss it! :/

So Jon told me today that he thinks very highly of me and he only wished that I respected myself as much as he respects me. No one has ever said anything like that to me before! I was flattered and taken aback all at once. He makes it so hard to stick to the decision I made yesterday. I decided I was gonna hold off on finding a boyfriend until after the school year started (senior! yay!) cause I wanted to check out who was in my classes and stuff. But Jon is just too darn amazing! He makes me happy.



Ugh. Man. I am weak.

It's not him, it's me.

So today was fairly uneventful... Up until this evening.

I stayed on facebook almost all day and added nearly every cool flair that said Jessica on it. Haha.

Then I went to Jonathan's house for like an hour and a half. And of course that attraction is there, so we flirted the whole time and ended up kissing... And I enjoyed it. No shock there.

So what in this crazy world is holding me back from dating him? I'll tell you what... It's me.

I'm so afraid of him not being everything I want and need in a guy. I'm so afraid of being hurt again or losing his friendship or hurting him.

So I talked to Jake about it cause he wanted to call and tell me how he helped arrest someone today. His exact words were "grow a pair". Jake told me that I will never be certain about Jon until I give him a try and really get in depth into the relationship. Which makes sense, I mean, Jon and I only dated for a month until I freaked out and broke up with him.

I mean he is such a great guy. A perfect gentleman, religious and devoted, cute as a button, artsy and deep, kinda mysterious... He's just really great.

The only cons to him are he's not the type of guy physically who I'm attracted to. He's only a few inches taller than me (I like tall guys, Jake is six foot two), which makes Jon about five seven or five eight. He's kinda got a big nose, and he's not really a good kisser. And Jon is a year and two months younger than me.

I know, I know. All this stuff shouldn't matter, and I may sound a little bit shallow right now. But you can't honestly say that this stuff plays no part at all when you're looking for a boyfriend, now can you?

But, god, am I scared that I'll miss someone while I'm with Jon... If I get with him. Maybe I'm better off keeping him as a friend. Maybe I just need to wait until college till I look for another long term relationship. I am totally lost. I'm so indecisive. I'm the type of girl who usually lets people make the decisions for her. I know that's not a particularly healthy way to live, but it's hard to accept consequences as being your own fault.

I just want the answer to be made clear so I can finally get out of this state. Because for once, my life is basically great, except for the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I won't say that I'm totally worthless without a guy to please, but man, sometimes it feels like it.

I hate being in this limbo. :/

Snapshot Me

I've got a photographic memory
Taking Snapshots of your life
Oh, we were happy
Love lit up my darkroom
Nimbly, I develop the rest
Knowing the shining light of love didn't last
Next phase, pictures blurred
There's shouting, angry words like lava
Recoiled and crying I sat alone
The last set of pictures, bittersweet
You look happy again
She's got a pretty face, but I know how she controls you
Like a tiger, you are the prey in her mouth
Teeth bared she snarls and rears her head at me
I may not be as happy now, but I'm a helluva lot stronger
She doesn't phase me.
To me, she is a stray cat
Rogue and impermanent
She'll go her own way soon
I can picture it
Just trust me to catch you
Like I always have

Today's Realizations

So today I realized two things.

1. I should have gone to see The Dark Knight sooner!

That was soo good! Ugh. Man! Heath Ledger was amazing in it. And I basically freaked out when Harvey's face started burning. I was like, "Oh my god! He's Two Face!" Haha.


2. I'm basically a friend girl.

I also realized today that I'm just the type of girl who guys just want to be friends with, but not necessarily date. I went to the movies and sat between John, who came with his girlfriend, and Ethan who brought his exgirlfriend among other people.

I look to my left and here is John. This guy has told me multiple times that he loves me, but I'm just not worth breaking up with his girlfriend for. Well, he did once only to raise my hopes and then crush them the next day by getting back together with her.

And I look to my right and there is Ethan. He and I are in our musical together and talk constantly. He's one of my closest friends. He tells me all of his problems that he has with his ex (but somehow they're still friends?!) and I listen and give him advice. So he'd rather sit there and flirt with her through the whole movie while I'm sitting there like, "Ugh. I NEED a boyfriend."

Then I get home and Jake calls me. He and I are finally friends after being broken up since January (we dated for fifteen months) and he wants to talk about how strangely his relationship is going (his girlfriend by the way hates me). Talking about them fooling around, having fights, him loving her, and spending the night with her... As he's talking there's this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm like, "Gah. I know I'm over you, but I'm not really sure if I wanna hear all this." But it's cool. I'm glad he feels like he can tell me stuff. I like helping him out. We ended up talking for over two hours. Jake and I just get along that well.

All I attract nowadays are jerks who just wanna get in my pants. Bleh. I'm trying not to associate myself with guys like that. And it's working, too. Now it's either decent guys or no guys. Leaning towards no guys... :/

Except for Jonathan. He and I dated for like a month a while ago, but I broke up with him cause I wasn't over Jake and Jon is like a year and two months younger than me. We still talk. All day, every day. I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision. Cause I think I may still really like him. I'm just really confused about him. It's crazy.



I just want someone to make happy, you know?

So I am...

Just a girl. I'm seventeen and a slave to theatre. My name is Jessica, but my closest friends call me Jess. Yeah... I created this blog cause sometimes I just need to get things off of my chest.

Things to be addressed later.

• Boyfriend Situation
• Friends
• Season
• Why that girl (and her mother) hates me.
• Religion?!
  

I'll probably write a longer blog tonight. Right now I gotta go dry my hair cause I'm going to see The Dark Knight. I hear it's good.

Bye bye.